Life update time! You may have noticed a marked absence of my blog posts in recent months; today, I’ll explain why…
Our lives are spent looking forwards, swearing by ‘countdown’ apps, and consumed by making plans for the future. Increasingly, we do not spend enough time looking at the present, living in the present, savouring individual moments.
Recently, I came to realise this in a fashion more extreme than ever before. It was the lead up to my exams, I had received all of my university offers, and I entered the longest waiting game of my life so far. I’m actually still in that waiting game. I started to live life looking forwards, but never looking to now, because – frankly – there was nothing in the present to look to. I was studying all the time, trying to ensure that the grades I receive in August are the best I am capable of.
It’s stressful, difficult, tormenting; the path of my whole future resting in my 17-year-old hands.
It seems silly when I put it like that. Why should my actions as a 17-year old determine the rest of my life?
But that’s the world we live in, and so I looked forward, forward, forward to a time when I finally knew the path my life was about to take. I am the kind of person who enjoys certainty – I am certainly not spontaneous. I am desperate to know where I will be going to university – if at all! The whole school system in the UK, then, completely plays against my personality.
I am not patient, and this, as aforementioned, is the longest waiting game of my life so far.
For a while, I allowed this to get the better of me. I thought about my future all of the time. I have dreamt about different results day scenarios numerous times, and I still have 5 weeks to go! However, it didn’t take me long to realise that – as unnatural as school seems, and as unnatural as this wait feels – life is riddled with uncertainty. This is something I’m really going to have to get used to!
In this sense, then, the 2-month gap between my final exam and results day will teach me the art of patience. (This is definitely needed!)
In an attempt to combat this waiting game, I have decided to return to my roots. I realised not long after leaving school that exam season had completely filled my mind with exam technique, but wiped it of my actual interests. I didn’t want to read novels because I should be studying. I didn’t want to go to the gym because I should be studying. I didn’t want to bake because I should be studying! I turned into a robot, ready to churn out facts about volcanoes, but not very good at holding onto my actual interests. Relaxing after my final exam – having no responsibilities for the first time in years – alerted me to this, how hollow exams seemed to have left me.
So I’ve been reading.
I’ve been baking.
I’ve been catching up with Netflix shows and my favourite YouTubers.
Most of all, I’ve been reminding myself what it is to be me, without certainty, without closure. It’s difficult, but I’m powering through!
It’s surreal that I’ll never go to school again, the school I attended for 7 years. (7 years!) It’s surreal that I have a freedom of sorts: a freedom to rediscover myself. I want to read, to bake, to run, to paint. I want to revisit myself, indulge in the things I love. Why not?
I also want to blog. I want to return to this beautiful platform, the platform I love so wholly and without restraint. So, if there are any posts you’d like to see from me, let me know in the comments! I would love you hear from you!
Thanks for reading and sticking with me!